January Seems Long

January has seemed like the longest month ever and I realized today that I haven't posted in some time. Why?

I haven't posted because I haven't felt good, and didn't want sound like a whiner because after all I made the decision to get off valium, didn't I?

But, in the interests of my being able to look back at this post someday and see how the whole thing went down, I am posting today to say that the road to recovery is full of bumps. After feeling like I was "out of the woods" mid January saw me struggling with super anxiety, panic attacks and nasty self confidence issues. Thus I became quiet, didn't want anyone to know I wasn't the poster child for benzo withdrawal.

But, on a positive note, I haven't broke down and taken a dose. Oh, I've thought about it many times. But, after all I've been through getting off the drugs I feel like I've got to continue on my chosen path. Research reveals that most folks take at least a year and some a whole lot longer to get totally well. I am called to be patient, to be gentle with myself and to take time out to relax more.

I'm reasonably certain that I've done too much during the days that I was feeling so good.. shopping trips, vacations, family dinners, and much housecleaning.. and now my CNS has it's knickers in a knot lol.. so I will treat myself better, take a long hot bath, read another book, watch another movie and remember I am in the process of healing.

I continue to be grateful.. for all the birds who come to my feeders, for my family, my husband's help and support, letting go of so much weight and being able to wear a size 8 again.. a lifestyle that gives me the opportunity to rest, and glimpses into all that life holds for me as I continue to get better and better.

I Can, I Anticipate, I Know

Having been reminded by both my body and my mind that I am still "on the road" to recovery and not at the end I am stealing this format from a friend of mine as I find it helpful to remind myself just where I am right now and where I want to go. I begin with things I couldn't do a month ago and now I can do:

I can:

Go an entire day without crying.
Make jewelry again.
Enjoy a pain free day.
Laugh.
Go several hours without thinking of withdrawal.
Leave the house on my own.
Go to walmart.
Grocery shop.

I look forward to:

A return of my creativity.
Dancing.
Getting up feeling happy.
Relief from anxiety.
The return of self-confidence.

I know:

That all of this happened for a reason.
That I am stronger for going through it.
That I appreciate being normal much more than I ever dreamed possible.
That I have learned a lot and met a lot of wonderful people I would never have known had I not had
the experience of benzo addiction.
That I will recover fully and totally in time.
How to be much more gentle with myself.
That I am not crazy!

Wishing everyone a day filled with happiness and the appreciation of simple things!

Love, Love, Love

xposted LJ

The Beat Goes On

Now down to 3.75 mg of valium. Yesterday got hit with some major withdrawal symptoms and spent a lot of time sleeping or wrapped up in a blanket shivering. About 48 hrs after a cut, the symptoms appear in their various forms, different every time.

While going through this it is some times difficult to believe that I have made the right decision, but it is too late to stop now as I am so close to the end.

Unbelievable what this drug can do to you. I have stopped making jewelry, sort of left my Etsy shops to rot as it were, and can't seem to plan anything or want to do anything at all. Yep I'm depressed!!

I simply must continue to have faith that I am in a process of healing and that it is unimportant that I accomplish anything during this challenging period of my life. For an overachiever like me, that's hard pill to swallow (no pun intended LOL)... but I intend to get through this and I intend to reinvent myself on the other side as stronger, more competent, and more creative than I have ever been before.

I continue to read stories of other folks who have gone down this path and can see that I am blessed in so many ways..

I don't have a job and can lie down when I need to..
My symptoms aren't any where near as desperate as many others are experiencing.
I have a super strong immune system and know that my body is healing every day.
My family loves and supports me.
And I appreciate all my blessings, yes indeed I surely do!!

xposted to LJ